Akatsuki Big Brother House
by bunyipbabe
Summary: Ha ha, this is just a totally random fic i created after getting high off cookies. I thought it was pretty funny- see what you think! Basically, it's as the title says- Akatsuki Big Brother. Except i've never seen Big Brother before... Oh well!


WELCOME TO THE AKATSUKI BIG BROTHER HOUSE!!! PLEASE VOTE OUT BY REVIEWS WHO YOU DON'T WANT TO SEE AGAIN! IF NONE OF YOU REVIEW THEN I WILL DECIDE! THAT'S MOTIVATION FOR YOU!

Basically, this is just a lot of random OOCness fun that I wrote after getting high off cookies! No flames please, even though it is weird!

**Random person: Your host for tonight will be none other than Miss Tobisgrimreaper, who will be referred to as Tobisgrim, to avoid confusion with other characters. She would like to make one point clear before we begin…**

**(Tobisgrim grabs the microphone)**

Tobisgrim: s'right, bitches! I don't own the akatsuki or no one else from naruto! If I did, deidara, itachi, neji, kiba and kakashi would all be locked up securely in my Bishie closet, whilst Sasuke would be fed to angry rats. VERY angry rats. Naruto would shout out his forever undying love to the Kyuubi, and they would go off to their happy little inner world and live together forever in peace and harmony, Jiraiya would never have died, Sakura and Ino would still be bezzie m8s, and Tobi would be my best friend. (of course.) Thankyou.

NOW ON WITH THE INTERVIEWS!!!

(please keep a look out for my RESPECT for characters during the interview. It will go down and up as time passes.)

Tobisgrim: okay, so here goes! The contestant are now entering the house! Please give a big cheer for the foulmouthed but still smexy-as-ever (at least in my opinion)

HIDAN!!!

(Hidan enters, completely starkers apart from a very _very_ small loincloth, to a background of fangirls screeching their encouragement, then proceeds to flip his finger at the camera, before walking to his chair, wiggling his butt in a very provocative manner.)

_RESPECT for HIDAN: … well, what to say? _

Tobisgrim: Weeeelll… um, hello to you to, Hidan!

Hidan: beep beep bleeeeeep!

Tobisgrim:

Hidan: beep beepity beep beep!

Tobisgrim: … okay. Next contestant… give it up for…

KAKUZU!!!

(kakuzu's single fangirl jumps up and down waving a flag and screaming madly. Hidan's many fangirls look at her like she is nuts. Which she probably is.)

_RESPECT FOR KAKUZU: -50_

(Kakuzu's hand crawls in, dragging the rest of his unmoving body behind him on thick strings)

Tobisgrim: O.O wot happened to him then?

Hidan: Beep bleep beepity beep!

translation: the debt collectors finally caught up to him!

_RESPECT for KAKUZU: -10_

Tobisgrim: Yes… Thankyou, Hidan. (Turns to Kakuzu) Kakuzu, can you please sit down…

Kakuzu: … (He's unconscious)

Tobisgrim: -_-u… okay…

Hidan: bleep beeeeeeep bleepity!

translation: talk to his hand

Tobisgrim: ur… okay! (turns to Kakuzu's hand) hello Kakuzu's hand!

Kakuzu's Hand: …

Tobisgrim: can you please drag Kakuzu o the chair Kakuzu's hand, please? (I'm a bit weirded out talking to a hand attatched to the main body by a bit of string)

Kakuzu's Hand: (gives Tobi thumbs up, proceeds to drag Kakuzu to nearest chair)

_RESPECT for KAKUZU'S HAND: + 50_

Tobisgrim: Thankyou, Kakuzu's hand! Now… next contestant… ITACHI!!!

(Tobisgrim runs to join the excited fangirls in their screams, then quickly dashes back to the stages and grabs microphone once more)

_RESPECT for ITACHI: +100000000000000000000000000000000000000000000_

(Itachi walks into room… and falls flat on his face.)

_RESPECT for ITACHI: -100000000000000000000000000000000000000000000_

itachi: WTH who put that step there?

Tobisgrim: what? That step is absolutely ginormous. You can't miss it. Are you blind or something?

Itachi: … no comment.

Tobisgrim: the fact that you didn't deny that statement has made my respect for you drop dramatically.

_RESPECT for ITACHI: -100000000000000000000000000000000000000000000_

Tobisgrim: Ya see?

Itachi: (sarcastically) what a shame. I'm so sorry!

Tobisgrim: Yeah you should be… bitch. Now in the chair, before I get out my trusty whip…

Everyone: YOU HAVE A WHIP????

Tobisgrim: … did I just say that?

Itachi: Yes. (He begins to back away from Tobisgrim)

Tobisgrim: No… I don't have a whip… of course I don't! Look, just forget I said it.

Itachi: You came here planning to molest me, and you tell me to forget it? That's it, I'm calling the police!

(He starts to walk away)

Tobisgrim: Noooooo! I'm sorry Itachi-kun! Please sit down! (gives Itachi puppy dog eyes)

Itachi: ….

Tobisgrim:…. Wibble? …T.T

Itachi: * sighs * (comes back into room, falls over step again)

Itachi: BEEP!

Tobisgrim: Thankyou Itachi kun! Now, if you just make your way over to your chair, we can begin with the interviews! Woot! (aside) I wasn't worried really… even if he didn't come back, he would never have been able to find a phone with his poor eyesight… But anyway, NO ONE CAN RESIST THE PUPPY DOG EYES!!!

MWAHAHAHAH!!!

Hidan: Bleep bleepity bleep?

translation: Wassup with the bitch?

Itachi: Language! Now, can someone please point me in the direction of my chair? I seem to have… um… mislaid it.

Tobisgrim: Oh poor widdle Itachi-kun he tries sooo hard…

Itachi: (snapping) Mangeky…

Tobisgrim: WAH SORRYSORRYSORRY!!! YOUR CHAIR'S OVER THERE!!! O

Itachi: um… okay. Thanks. (He puts his hands out in front of him in the air and stumbles forwards in the general direction of the chairs, until he hits one. Then he sits in it.)

Tobisgrim: … ur… Itachi-kun?

Itachi: Ye-e-es? Is there a problem, Miss Tobisgrimreaper?

Tobisgrim: Yes. You see, that just so happens to be Hidan's chair…

Hidan: BEEEEEEEEEP BEEPITY BEEEP BEEP BLEEEP BLEEP BEEP!

translation: get off me, you blind fag!

_RESPECT for HIDAN: +50_

Itachi: O.O sorry mate!

(he hops up and sits in the next chair over to Hidan's which belongs to Pein)

Tobisgrim: -_-u Leader ain't gonna be happy about this one…

Itachi: (Looks up, eyes glowing red) did I get the chair right this time girl?

Tobisgrim: (notices his glowing eyes) er… yes! Of course you did, your eagle-eyed-I-ness supreme ruler of the non-blind people!

Itachi: … good.

Tobisgrim: phew. That was close. Okay, NEXT!

(door flies open. Room is suddenly flooded)

Tobisgrim: Blub blub blub… KI-blubblub-SAME!!!

(the water drains away through a portal to another world that randomly opens up in the floor)

Tobisgrim: o.O I have no idea how that happened…honest!

Everyone else: yeah right.

(All that is left is a fish, flopping about pathetically on the floor)

Tobisgrim: Uh… Kisame? Is that you?

(She takes a tentative step forwards and picks up the fish)

Tobisgrim: Oh, poor Kisame! Whatever happened to you? (She starts rubbing the fish against her cheek and wailing) why Kisame why? I wanted to inteview you and thoroughly embarrass you in front of everyone! Why did you have to turn into a fish at this critical moment in your life? Oh Kisame-san, imagine the fun we could have had together…

Kisame: (bursts through the door covered in seaweed for some strange reason) NO THAT IS NOT ME! AND TAKE YOUR FILTHY HANDS OFF MY GIRLFRIEND, BITCH!!!

_RESPECT for KISAME: -100000 (sorry all you very few Kisame fangirls out of there… but he's going out with a fish for cristsake!)_

Itachi: G…girlfriend? (he starts to cry) You… you were cheating on me? With a fish?

Kisame:

Everyone else: O.O

Hidan: WTF?

_RESPECT for ITACHI: rock bottom._

Tobisgrim: (trying to smooth it over) um, okay. That was embarrassing. Shall we continue? If we don't hurry it up Itachi will never get the chance to regain some of that respect…

(Everyone nods, and Kisame (along with his fish) go and sit on his chair, which thankfully is the furthest one from Itachi's. Itachi is ignoring him and redoing his nail varnish, muttering something about unfaithful shark boyfriends under his breath.)

Tobisgrim: On with the interviews then! Next up isssss….

The One!

The Only!

The Cannibalistic!

The Venus Fly Trap!

The Body Munching!

The Tree Hugging!

The Schizophrenic…

(mysterious voice from outside the door, though if you haven't guessed who it is by now you are very mentally retarded): I heard that! Get on with it!

Tobisgrim: ZETSU!!!

(Zetsu walks in, but because of his venus flytrap head gets stuck in the doorway)

Zetsu: Dammit. That always happens.

_RESPECT for ZETSU: -20_

Tobisgrim: Can you please come and sit down, Mr Zetsu?

Zetsu: I am stuck in a doorway because of the ginormous plant I have growing from my shoulders, and you ask me if I can please come and sit _down_?

Tobisgrim: … well, can you?

Zetsu: Yes, of course.

(He rips his head out of the doorway and staggers to his chair)

Tobsigrim: O…kay. Now, who's up next? (consults list) oh crap.

Hidan: Bleep bleep beeep?

translation: Wassup?

Tobisgrim: It's Pein… (Looks nervously to where Itachi is still sitting in Pein's chair. On either side of him, Kakuzu's hand and Zetsu scoot away slightly, not wanting to be caught in the aftershock)

Kisame: That's a good question, actually. Why is my ex sitting in the leader's chair?

Itachi: WHAT???

Tobisgrim: quickly covers Kisame's mouth) sssssh! He doesn't know! And I want to keep it that way, so we don't all find ourselves in torture chambers for three bloody days! Now, if you distract him, I'll swap the labels before Pein gets here, or else we're all gonnas!

Itachi: WHAT WAS THAT…

Tobisgrim: Crap! He heard you! We're dead…

Itachi: … ABOUT ME BEING YOUR EX??? YOU AREN'T SERIOUSLY DUMPING ME FOR A FISH ARE YOU? YOU STUPID SHARK!

Tobisgrim: thank god. He only heard the bit about being an ex. His brain is so one track it siphoned out the rest…

Itachi: DID YOU SAY SOMETHING GIRL????!!!???

Tobisgrim: No…

_RESPECT for ITACHI: -20_

Hidan: Bleep beeeep beepity beep

translation: I'll distract him, Tobisgrim!

Tobisgrim: phew! Thankyou, Hidan. You're a life saver!

_RESPECT for HIDAN: +50_

(Hidan creeps around behind Itachi and in one swift movement grabs the name tag. Then he takes the one from Itachi's real chair, and quickly sticks it on.)

Hidan: BLEEEEP!!! BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP BLEEPITY BLEEP BLEEP BLOOP!

translation: I DID IT! I DID IT! I REALLY REALLY DID IT!

Tobisgrim: -_-u okay, who gave him sugar? Own up now?

(Kakuzu's hand raises. It is blushing pink. Kakuzu still hasn't woken up.)

Tobisgrim: well, I hope your sorry.

Kakuzu's hand: …

Tobisgrim: well, as you can't speak, guess I'll have to take that as a yes!

Kakuzu's hand: …

Tobisgrim: well, just don't do it again, kay?

Kakuzu's hand: …

Tobisgrim: good. Glad you understand. Now, it looks like Pein has finally arrived!

(The door flies open and Pein prances in.)

Tobsigrim: Okay, I'm not one to be nosy…

Everyone else: YES YOU ARE…

Tobisgrim:… but answer me a question, Pein. Why were you so late? Not that I'm complaining or anything, I needed that time to nick that nametag…

Pein: I have absolutely no idea whatsoever what you are talking about, but I'm in a good mood so I'll answer your question… if you keep it to yourself.

Tobisgrim: (Jumps up and down) YAY SECRETS!

Pein: Come here then.

Tobisgrim: KAY! ^^

(Pein whispers in her ear. Tobisgrim's eyes widen, and she yells…)

Tobisgrim: ONE OF YOUR PIERCING'S WENT SEPTIC! SERIOUSLY? IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE? DON'T YOU HAVE A SPECIAL SORT OF JUTSU OR SOMETHING TO STOP THAT FROM HAPPENING??? I MEAN, ISN'T IT KINDA A BIT… WEIRD… THAT SOMETHING AS NORMAL AS THAT COULD HAPPEN TO A SUPER-STRONG RAINMAN LIKE YOU?

_RESPECT for PEIN: -30_

Pein: … that was meant to be a secret.

Tobisgrim: Oh… sorry! Well, sit down, and let's get on with it!

Pein: … whatever.

(he goes and sits down on what was meant to be Itachi's chair.)

Tobisgrim: -_-uu I'm glad I didn't die… okay, so who's next? Oh look at this! It's Pein's blue-haired, busty young sidekick! It's the origami queen! It'sssss…

KONAN!

(Konan enters, immediately runs to sit on Pein's lap and snuggles him)

Tobisgrim: I KNEW IT! I SOOOO BLEEPIN' KNEW IT! YOU TWO ARE TOGETHER, AREN'T YOU!!!

Pein: -_-u… no.

Tobisgrim: … no?

Pein: no.

Tobisgrim: sure?

Pein: yes.

Tobisgrim: definite?

Pein: how long is this going to go on for? The readers are getting bored.

Tobisgrim: ya boo sux to you. Now elaborate.

Pein: She's just after the candy in my pocket.

Everyone: O.o

Tobsigrim: Okay… that's not the slightest bit disturbing!!!

(Konan retrieves the candy and runs to her own chair, sticking it into her mouth and chewing happily)

Konan: Omnomnomnom.

Tobisgrim: As I was mentally shaken by that last scene, I shall quickly move on to the next contestant.

So, here we have, my personal favourite of the Akatsuki and frequent visitor to my bishie fantasy world…

DEIDARA!!!

(Deidara bursts into the room)

Deidara: sup foos? Un.

Tobisgrim: YAYZ DEI-KUN! CAN I CALL YOU DEI-KUN? THAT WOULD BE SOOOOO CUTE!!! CAN I HUGGLEZ YOU AND FEED YOU COOKIEZ??? PLZ???

(glomps deidara)

Deidara: … wtf? Un.

(He pushes her off of him.)

Deidara: in answer to your questions, mysterious girl, no, you may not call me dei-kun, and no you may not 'hugglez' me or 'feed me cookiez'. Un.

Tobisgrim: * puppy dog eyes *

Deidara: * unaffected *

Tobisgrim: NOOOOO! Why didn't it work!?!

Deidara: … I'm cuter. Duh. Un.

Tobisgrim: dammit! Foiled! But why can't I call you Dei-kun? Give me one good reason!!!

Deidara: Because if you do I will blow you up. Un.

Tobisgrim: O.o okay. Good reason. But I'm still going to huggle you anyway!

(she jumps on Deidara again)

Deidara: … does someone have a leash for this thing? Un.

Tobisgrim: sorry Dei-kun…

Deidara: I TOLD YOU NOT TO CALL ME THAT, UN!

Tobisgrim: (ignores) but as much as I would love you to put me on a leash, we don't have time for that now. We have to get on with the interview!

(she gets off Deidara, and heads back to the microphone. A rather annoyed Dei-kun… ahem, Deidara, makes his way to his seat, and sits down, sulking.)

Tobisgrim: and the last contestant, and my own namesake, as well as the most adorable by far of the akatsuki members, please everyone give a huge cheer foooor…

TOBI!!!

Hidan: bleep!

translation: Yayz!

Kakuzu's hand: …

translation: Yayz!

Hidan: BLEEP BLOOP!

translation: stop copying me!

Itachi: woot.

Kisame: Woot!

Itachi: and you stop copying me, shark freak!

Kisame: shut up, blind boy.

Zetsu: Hey Tobi!

Pein: great. The idiot's arrived.

Tobisgrim: SHADDUP!

Konan: omnomnom (she's still eating her lollipop)

Deidara: We're in trouble now…

(the door bursts open, and in rushes Tobi!)

Tobi: HAY EVERYBODY!!!

Tobisgrim: HAY TOBI!!!

Tobi: HAY TOBISGRIM!!!

Tobisgrim: HAY…

Hidan: bleepity bleep bleep!

translation: shut up already! You sound like a pair of horses!

Well, that's it for now. Next time…

Will Itachi and Kisame ever make up?

Will Itachi ever win back all that lost respect?

Will Hidan ever stop swearing?

Will Kakuzu ever wake up?

Will Pein ever stop being a paedophile?

Will Konan ever stop eating candy?

Will Zetsu ever walk through a doorway without getting stuck?

Will Deidara ever get me to stop calling him Dei-kun and glomping him?

AND WILL TOBI AND TOBISGRIMREAPER EVER STOP BEING HIGH???

All the big questions answered…

Please R&R and also vote out your least fave character! The character that loses will be joining me as the host! Hope you enjoyed! Oh yes, and I have never actually seen big brother. Just so you know!


End file.
